Losing weight was worth it in every way except for what it did to my sex life

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Losing weight was worth it in every way except for what it did to my sex life

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It, 

In the past 13 months, I’ve lost nearly 50 pounds, bringing me from an overweight/obese cusp BMI into my doctor’s recommended healthy BMI range. This is anonymous so I’ll be honest and tell you it was about appearance only, but it’s been so worth it. I have a completely different experience in public and at work, and my husband has expressed lots of attraction and support for the changes I’ve made.

My health has always been good so not much else physically changed with my body, but now I’m always freezing cold. My doctor assured me this is normal but I hate it. When I moved from active weight loss into maintenance, I hoped this would stop, but no, I’m always putting on more layers. I used to do polar plunges or could cross-country ski warmly for a whole day, and now I wear a thermal layer under my office clothes from September to June. I’m OK with adding clothes to solve this most of the time.

But it is a problem in the bedroom—I’m freezing and when I’m cold, it’s hard to get turned on or wet or relaxed. I don’t enjoy being naked unless we turn the thermostat into the 80s, and then my husband is sweaty and miserable. Even if I’m on top doing all the movement and we’re under a blanket, I’m cold. It seems silly but it’s really hurting our sex life. Right now we have a lot of partially clothed sex, and we’re trying to work out the logistics of good shower sex so at least the hot water can keep me warm. But we both miss the intimacy of casual nakedness and I want to feel more confident naked now that my body has changed. Winter is only getting colder, and so is our bedroom. Any tips?

—Cold Hands, Cold Everything Else

Dear Cold,

Ask your doctor to take a look at what you’re eating, and how much of it, to make sure you’re getting enough fuel—meaning calories—to keep yourself warm. Sometimes, not eating enough can lead to that feeling of being cold all the time, so you’ll want to make sure that’s not the culprit.

Now for ways to keep warm. Try to make as many of those meals as possible warm or hot foods, and drink hot tea (find something that doesn’t need sugar or honey to taste appealing, and keep in mind that many teas have caffeine) to warm yourself from the inside. You also might find that a hot enough shower before getting into bed can warm you up for several minutes afterward. The biggest things, though, when it comes to keeping warm, are your feet and head. Socks that wick moisture and don’t make your feet sweat more than usual, but are also thick and warm, will help a lot, as will warm slippers for when your feet are on the ground. Keep the socks on when you get in bed, and while you’re having sex. And, while some may balk at wearing a hat or cap inside—and especially to bed—heat can escape from our bodies through our heads. You may also want to look into electric heated blankets and mattress pads. The idea isn’t to sleep on these all night but to instead turn them on for a few minutes before hopping into bed. If you’d prefer to go old school (and want something relatively cheap in comparison), you can even warm up the bed prior to sex with a hot water bottle. The same goes for using a space heater in the bedroom (or, if you’re looking for ambiance, an electric fireplace). And always keep in mind that the more you’re moving, the better you’re able to keep yourself warm.

Hopefully, some combination of these suggestions help. But the unfortunate reality is that life involves trade-offs. You wanted to look thin and you made it happen. So now you’re experiencing one of the downsides of thinness. You’ll be somewhere between uncomfortable and freezing for several months, but the promise of spring will carry an extra sense of excitement because you’ll know you’re counting down the days until you can casually strut around at home naked, wear less clothing when you’re out of the home, and enjoy the body you created for yourself.

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Dear How to Do It, 

Can I teach myself a different way to masturbate? I’m a single woman in my mid-40s and I’m struggling with masturbating to orgasm. Due to some religious shaming around masturbation, I taught myself to stimulate that area with my legs. It used to work fine. However, I’m getting older and I’ve started exploring my body and my sexuality more in the last few years (thank you, Emily Nagowski), but I still struggle with some internalized shame around masturbation. Worse still, using my legs is starting to hurt my lower back and right leg. I tweaked my knee this week and it’s made it impossible to use my legs without aggravating my poor knee. Is there anything I can do? I’ve looked online and all I’ve found is either people saying it’s fine to masturbate that way or one medical advice column (slightly suspect on the credentials) telling the person to just stop masturbating for four months and then start again with their hand. I do have a vibrator, but I’m still learning how to use it. Any suggestions?

—Need to Learn New Tricks

Dear New Tricks,

The general advice for people who want to change or expand the way they masturbate is, yes, to stop using the method that you’ve come to rely on. The idea is that eventually you’ll be so wound up, that your body—though accustomed to one particular sensation—will be open to variety. I’m curious what, for you, are the edges of masturbation, and how much non-sensual and sensual but not sexual enjoyment you take in your body. A process of exploration—by applying different types of sensation to different areas of your body, and taking note of what feels good—can be a useful practice, and may give you some new ideas about what sensations might work for you.

If you want support working through the remains of internalized shame, there are groups like Erica Smith’s Purity Culture Dropout Community where you can connect with peers.

Meanwhile, it’s worth remembering that orgasm is a process of tension and release, and that as we age, it can be helpful to stretch those muscles afterward. So, whether you continue to rely on what has been working for you once your knee is healed up, or find new methods, give yourself some aftercare when you’ve finished basking in the afterglow.

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Dear How to Do It, 

I’m married to the love of my life. I really enjoy sex and would be willing to do it anytime/anywhere. My husband not so much. He can go three-plus weeks without sex and it doesn’t phase him. I am horny all the time. I have caught him (he doesn’t know) masturbating many times while I lay there pretending to be asleep. When we do have sex, it’s great. I know he loves me, he just doesn’t “want” me. What can I do?

—Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

You have to talk about this. You don’t actually know whether your husband loves you but doesn’t want you. He could be misreading your signals and thinking you aren’t receptive. He could be into a kind of sex that he doesn’t think is on offer. He could be reluctant to make the first move and hoping to entice you into joining the action. He could have a myriad of other reasons to be engaging in masturbation while he thinks you’re asleep. You won’t know until you discuss the issue.

It’s hard to keep the conversation level when your feelings are hurt, but your best bet is to come from a place of curiosity. Ask your husband how he feels about the sex life the two of you currently have. Ask him whether there’s anything he’d like to change. Ask him whether he’s missing something. Tell him that you want more frequency. Tell him that you sometimes see him masturbating at night when he seems to think you’re asleep, and ask him what’s up with that.

Once you understand his experience and inner world regarding this subject, you’ll be in a much better place to work out solutions.

—Jessica

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